


Jamaica

by 28karats



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Canon, Canon Compliant, Hiatus, Jamaica, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:00:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27404698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/28karats/pseuds/28karats
Summary: “What do you think if tomorrow we finish that song you were talking about so much a few months ago? Ghosts was the name?”“Two Ghosts” answered Harry with a little laugh. How could he think that on this trip he wouldn't think about Louis if he had written an infinite number of songs about him?ora fic where Harry and Louis finally meet again in Jamaica after the hiatus to close some loose ends.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 6
Kudos: 27





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> So.... my english is shit and I wasn't comfortable enough to write a fic in this language, so the original is in spanish and my amazing friend translated it for me. This is the result, I hope you enjoy it!

**Near Kingston, Jamaica. December 2016.**

The plane landed at Kingston Airport, Jamaica, around 2pm. As soon as they arrived, Harry and his team were led through the back door of the building in order to get by without being recognized. Quickly, they hopped on a bus that would get them to what would be their home for the next months. Quietness and tranquility were hand in hand with tiredness, so the trip went smoothly, as almost everybody took a nap. Harry, however, decided to enjoy the moment by listening to music and appreciating the view, letting his thoughts run around.

It was his first time in the country. Along One Direction, he had known practically every place there is, and maybe he was left with no new spots to explore. It was nice being in a completely unknown place.

If someone had asked him how his life had been since his first audition in The X Factor, the perfect word to describe it would be _intense_. It’s not as if he didn’t feel blessed about all the work and people that surrounded him at the time. On the contrary, he absolutely knew that without them, he would not be in the place he is now, but of course, nobody could deny how tough those years were. Five years. Five albums. Four world tours. One movie. Countless presentations and interviews. He had only had a handful moments for himself, as someone would always be with him, and let’s not get started on how little voice he had on the decision-making process.

He was young when it all started, of course he was obnoxious as of how the industry worked and it was good to have people around that knew how things were supposed to be and help them. But as time went by, he grasped for more liberties and in the band, he wasn’t going to get any. It was no surprise for them why Zayn left. He had some different ideas, and added to the anxiety, it ended up messing him up. He wasn’t enjoying the ride anymore, and in the in between he had lost himself. In March 2015 the world got the news, and from there on, nothing was the same.

The tour went on, but the four of them began questioning if the band should as well, and even if that lifestyle was the one they had pictured. Finally, they all agreed on recording a fifth album before going on an 18 months hiatus. Among the clauses of their last contract, they were allowed to start new projects, and Harry did not doubt it for a second. He immediately signed with Columbia Records for his first solo album. He was eager to experiment, curious about where it would lead him. That is why he had asked the label to allow them to go off the grid for some months before the big presentations and launches, to find himself, even to know himself better.

It was actually Jeff’s idea to get off the grid for a while and guard themselves somewhere they would not be easily recognized. Harry wanted some place as far as possible from London, but with as many commodities and space to record the album. That’s how Jamaica came into place, this amazing tropical island where they could balance between work and pleasure. When selecting the people that would accompany them, it was imperative to be selective – the fewer, the better –, in order to keep the album and the recording process as authentic and personal as possible.

That had been another reason why he needed to get away from One Direction for some time. Being constantly supervised, both by the label and the public eye had begun to put him down. Being in a band meant keeping a certain imagine, not being individualistic. Sincerely, at the beginning, it did not impose a problem; he was just sixteen and innocent. It gave him some sort of security and containment, considering that he was just a kid who did not really like how the press and this new over-shared life works. He was sure that they were right and that they his best in mind, or even the band’s best interest. But as time went on, he realized that he wasn’t comfortable with how he had been pictured by the media. The thousands of contracts he had signed all those years ago were cutting his wings now. Contracts. One in particular popped in his mind when he suddenly felt that someone was grabbing him.

“Harry, we’re here” Mitch said, his guitarist. Harry was so lost in his thought that he hadn’t noticed that the bus had stopped. He grabbed his things and hopped off, like the rest of the band, to meet the woman that looked like the housekeeper of their new “home”.

“Welcome!” she said with a lovely smile. “You can leave the luggage here while I give you all a quick tour of the house, so you can accommodate as suited”

The house was ginormous: five bedrooms with en suite bathrooms, huge commons spaces and a big enough basement, where they would probably set the recording studio. In the first floor there was a terrace with an infinity pool looking over the Caribbean Sea. The house also had access to a private beach. It really had it all; Jeff had gone over and beyond with this house. Once the quick tour had ended, they all grabbed their stuff and settled in their rooms. Harry had chosen the furthest one from the living room, he loved his team, but he knew that he would need space from time to time in such a long stay. Before leaving, the lady told them that by following the path from where they came from, they could reach the town’s main street, where they could find markets, stores and restaurants. After which she left them her number, if something should happen, and left. Harry went to his room and jumped in bed. Even if this place was the closest to paradise he had ever known, he couldn’t let himself forget they were there to record his new album, and that they had a lot of work coming their way.

That night it went without saying that they would have dinner early. Some had flown from LA, but others came from London, so everybody was exhausted. After dinner, almost everybody went to bed, leaving Harry, Jeff and Alex in the living room alone.

“We have some intense days in front of us H, Columbia trusts us and is expecting a well above average album” Jeff said while finishing his beer.

“I know, I know, but can we not talk about work? Just for today… we can get into it tomorrow” Harry stood up and went to the sofa. He was lucky to have such great relationship with his manager, who gave him space, but was also his friend. Although sometimes he had a rough time stepping down his role and relax. “I’m gonna watch a movie, wanna join?”

“What do you have in mind?” Alex asked.

“ ‘M not sure, we should just search “romantic comedies” on Netflix and see what we find”

“Sure, ‘m not tired yet”

Without realizing, they started a tradition that would accompany them for the rest of the stay. From that night on, after dinner, they would end the day in the TV room and watch every night a different romantic comedy.

The first song they recorded was Kiwi. They had composed some a while ago and most of it was already recorded. They had had to stop recording when Harry had to take some months of due to his cinema debut, Dunkirk, directed by the one and only Christopher Nolan.

After, they composed and recorded Only Angel and Anna, and without noticing, they already had three songs only in a few days.

…

On December 31st they finally decided to leave the house to go to one of the few bars in the village to celebrate the arrival of the new year. The place was just a few meters from where they were staying, next to the beach. Alex had taken it upon himself to book a table with a view of the sea.

"I'm going to order another drink, does anyone want anything else?” Harry asked as he got up from his seat.

“I'll have what you're having” Jeff answered. And so, he went to the bar across the dance floor, where people were already moving to the music playing.

“Two strawberry daiquiris please” Harry said to the barman, who looked at him intently. He felt a chill on his back when he didn't look down after he placed his order.

“Excuse me, are you by any chance Harry Styles? My daughter is a One Direction fan and I couldn't forget the face I see every day on the posters she has stuck in her room” That's exactly what Harry didn't want to hear. For several days he had managed to remain anonymous and the last time he had read the gossip pages no one had the slightest idea where he was. He knew that sooner or later someone would recognize him anyway, it was one of the consequences of the job he had, but he didn't expect it to be so quick.

“That's right” he replied with a smile.

“Sorry, I didn't want to bother you, I saw you pass by when you arrived, and I wanted to be sure” he replied as he started to prepare his drinks “Are you on holiday?”

Harry didn't like lying, but he hadn't announced the release of his album yet, so he decided to go along with it.

“Yes” was the only thing that came out of his mouth. The bartender must have seen the panic in his eyes behind the smile and understood what was going on in his head.

“Don't worry, I won't tell anyone, I just wanted to be sure. It's strange to see one of the people your daughter has been fascinated with for so many years” cleared up as he left two glasses on the bar “Here you go, have a good year” he added with a smile.

“Thank you very much, I'm trying to get away from the public eye, I really appreciate it” Harry concluded as he returned to his table. When he put the two glasses down, he grabbed his mobile phone to check the time. 23:58. It was only two minutes to the new year. He cleared his throat and turned to his colleagues who were busy finishing their meal.

“Well, before it's 12 o'clock I would like to thank each one of you for accompanying me on this journey and in this new stage of my life” He took his daiquiri and raised it to continue his speech “So here it is to the coming year and to the incredible album we are making”

The rest of the team also raised their glasses and together toasted and then headed to the bar terrace, where most of the guests were. It was 12 o'clock and everyone started hugging each other, wishing each other a happy new year. Everyone was pleasantly surprised to see the colorful fireworks display on the beach. Everyone except Harry, who was not a fan of the din, so he decided to go back inside until they were over. He took his mobile phone again and took the opportunity to send a message to his mother and sister.

_Here it’s only 12 o’clock now, happy new year!_

Then he opened Twitter to write the same thing he wrote every year:

_@Harry_Styles: It's 2017. Be nice. Be good._

While he was still waiting for the rest to come in, he decided to take a look at the recent tweets and was paralyzed when he saw a name he had long tried to forget.

_@Louis_Tomlinson: Happy New Year! Thank you all for the constant support I receive_

Harry was no longer following him, but evidently someone had retwitted it, making it appear on his feed. His blood froze as he read the words again and again, not so much because of the content, but because he couldn't remember the last time he had stopped to think about him, the man he had loved for so many years. He looked out the window to see his entire team still celebrating. Yes, that was his life now. He could no longer keep remembering this person who had hurt him so much in the past. And without notice, he felt someone take him by the arm and lead him straight to the dance floor. He continued his night drinking and celebrating, but the image of Louis had returned to his mind and he had lost the peace he had managed to achieve in those last days.

The next morning Harry woke up with a headache, but nothing he couldn't handle. He got up and, going through the bathroom to wash his face first, went into the kitchen.

“Good morning” he told Alex and Mitch that they were already holding a cup of coffee. He took an ibuprofen and made himself breakfast.

That day they had already decided that they would rest, so Harry went back to his room to put on his swimsuit and went to the beach to enjoy the sunny day. No one was there, so he sat down on one of the deck chairs with the book he was reading. However, he couldn't concentrate very much as he remembered the tweet he had read the night before. Things between him and Louis had not ended well. A relationship that had begun innocently, full of love and affection, had been worn out by the pressure they had to endure constantly. At first, it had seemed a good idea to sign that confidentiality contract. They were young, they believed that the contract would not last long, and they were also excited about keeping things secret. They were clearly too innocent to know what they were getting into and how it would affect them over time. At first the only thing that stopped them was holding hands in front of the cameras and, in simple words, making it obvious what was going on between them. But as the One Direction fandom grew, so did that group of fans who suspected something was going on between them. Larry Stylinson. That's what they had been called. When videos began to circulate on the internet with evidence that showed that the two of them were more than just band mates, management went into crisis and began to limit their interactions in public more and more. They could no longer do twitcams together, let alone interview the two of them alone after that interview in Paris. Later on, they said that they could no longer sit together at record signings and interviews that the whole band was together. And so, they got to the point where they could almost not talk at concerts, unless it was very necessary. This would have been fine, if it weren't for the endless meetings they had every time one of them would glance at the other or make a gesture towards the other in public. After a while, things were not as they used to be and little by little various barriers grew between the two.

“Hey, shall we go for a swim? It's very hot in the sun” the voice of one of his producers distracted him and he got up to go for a swim in the sea with the others who had just arrived.

The day continued quietly, amidst laughter, chatter and countless beers. Everything was going well until nightfall, when Jeff came over to talk to Harry.

“What do you think if tomorrow we finish that song you were talking about so much a few months ago? Ghosts was the name?”

“Two Ghosts” answered Harry with a little laugh. How could he think that on this trip he wouldn't think about Louis if he had written an infinite number of songs about him? Which he now had to share with his team to start recording them. That particular song was not new, he had written it in 2013, a few weeks after the first time Louis had broken up with him. That year the fights had become more and more recurrent and always revolved around the same thing. Harry was tired of hiding, he wanted his freedom, he wanted to be able to go out with his boyfriend on the street and not have to see him in public with someone else. Eleanor was not to blame; he knew it very well. He knew that Louis did not love her and that he only had eyes for him, but little by little he developed an uncontrollable jealousy. Maybe it wasn't necessarily jealousy, it was more frustration and the biggest mistake he made was to unload it on Louis every day. At first, they were short discussions in which Louis made him understand that he had no reason to be jealous and ended with the two of them hugging each other and apologizing. But as time went on, emotions grew stronger and stronger and Harry stopped understanding whether he was angry with his management, Eleanor or his boyfriend and ended up angry at everybody. He had stopped seeing Louis and him as a team, he had stopped seeing him as someone he could trust completely. That's where he got the inspiration to compose the song. He no longer recognized himself, he no longer recognized the person in front of him, they were just like two ghosts in place of each other.

That night after dinner, Harry didn't stay to watch the film with the others, he went straight to his room to rest. He knew that he had an intense few weeks ahead of him in which he had to write about the things that hurt him most in life.

…

At the beginning, recording that song was more easy than expected. He spent practically every second of the day inside the studio analyzing every detail of the recording and the editing of the song. Usually this was done by the producers, but Harry wanted to be present, with the excuse that he wanted to learn how everything was handled with this new equipment. Actually, what he didn't want to do was to think. The longer he was working, the less time he had to do so. 

He was finishing recording one of the last choruses when he felt a void in his chest. He was in front of the microphone in the basement studio when he felt tears well up in his eyes.

“I need a break, I'll be back in a while” he said to his team as he took off his headphones and swallowed to try and keep the tears that had accumulated in his eyes from escaping. He climbed the stairs and headed for the exit. He needed fresh air, he needed to get away from that place for a few moments. So he grabbed one of the towels on the door and went to sit on the beach facing the sea. It was already getting dark and the sky was painted in different shades of orange. It was a beautiful sunset, if it had not been because the only thing he had in his mind were those blue eyes, looking at him with pain, irritated from so much crying, and those red lips, telling him that things were not like before, that they could not continue like that. Suddenly he felt like someone was sitting next to him, but he didn't have the energy or the desire to turn around to see who he was. Instead, he kept his eyes fixed on the horizon, watching the last rays of the sun reflect off the sea.

“It's about Louis, isn't it?” Harry recognized Mitch's voice next to him. “The song we're recording” he continued, as if he didn't know what he was talking about. His whole team knew that something had happened between the two of them, but Harry only felt comfortable enough with Mitch to open up and tell him how things had been.

“It's pretty self-explanatory” he responded with a little laugh to try and hold back the crying “sorry, I really didn't want to cause a scene in the studio, but the song reminded me of how things were between the two of us”

“It's OK Harry, take as much time as you need, I know it's a very sensitive subject for you”

“It is” It hadn't been long since he last spoke to Louis, but it had definitely been years since he last spoke to him alone. It wasn't long after the first time they broke up that they got back together. It was almost inevitable. Even though the situation that led them to break up for the first time had not changed much, it was not easy for both of them to see the person you love every day and not want to be with them. Because, yes, they loved each other, and Harry realized that it mattered much more than any obstacle they faced.

Anyway, things were not as they had been. Harry could hide the jealousy and frustration, but not eliminate it all completely. And it was in March 2015 that everything fell apart. Zayn announced that he would be leaving the band and it was like a cold shower for the other four members. In just a few weeks they had to organize themselves and practically put together the tour they were on again. Between them, they shared out Zayn's solos and harmonies and had to rehearse each song from scratch. This implied a lot of time and patience, patience that Harry was occupying to keep his relationship afloat and he didn't have a lot of it. Harry had not slept for more than 3 days and that, added to the stress that the whole change brought, was what led him to break up with Louis. Probably, if he had gone straight to sleep that night instead of starting a new fight with his boyfriend, things would have ended differently. But it didn't, and that night Louis left the hotel room he shared with Harry with a slammed door and a completely broken heart.

Harry was very aware that he had behaved badly with Louis, he even told him horrible things that he really didn't feel, with the simple aim of hurting him. But he never thought he would pay for it that way.

In July of the same year it was announced that Louis Tomlinson himself was going to be a father and Harry found out with the rest of the world. It was like a stab in the back, he didn't want them to talk about who they were sleeping with after the break-up, but he had hoped at least he wouldn't have to find out about such news on Twitter.

Mitch's arms around him pulled him out of his thoughts and when he put a hand to his face, he realized that he was crying.

“Things didn't end well between the two of us, I feel like we still have things to say” explained Harry as he wiped the tears from his face. “I loved him like no one else Mitch, I'm afraid I won't love anyone like I did again”

“I understand Harry, but you're young and have a whole life ahead of you, you can't stay tied to a relationship from the past. And if you think that there is still some unfinished business, why don't you call him and talk?”

“No, I don't feel it's appropriate. He doesn't want anything to do with me anymore”

“I wouldn't be so sure, think about it” and with that, Mitch got up and went back to the house. It was already night on the beach and a small breeze was blowing. It had cooled down, but it was nice. Harry took his notebook and started to write some verses.

There are days when Harry and his team can spend hours and hours trying to compose something and nothing good comes of it. Whereas there are days when inspiration comes suddenly and the best songs on an album can come out of it. That's why Harry always carries a notebook, where he writes down what comes out of these moments, when he can connect more with his feelings.

…

The next day Harry decided that he would not cry. No, it had already been a long night in tears, and he needed to work. He poured himself a cup of coffee and went down to the studio where everyone was already waiting for him.

“I need you to trust me, last night I wrote some verses. I only have the vocals, so I need to record that before and then we can have Mitch add the instruments. I don't want much more than a background guitar”

“Mmm, that's fine” Jeff replied as he looked at him with surprise. It was the first time Harry had done something like this. It didn't mean that he didn't write on his own, but he always got together with the others before recording, made them listen to a little demo he had on his mobile phone or at least sang a few verses to them. Much less record his voice without having all the instruments ready. But this time it was different, he didn't have any previous recordings, only his notebook and he wanted to sing his words as fast as possible so as not to think about the meaning of each one of them.

“When you're ready we'll start”

“Okay” Harry said as he approached the microphone and put on his headphones.

“Harry, before we start, what should I call the recording?” Alex asked him, looking up from his computer.

“From the Kitchen Table”

Alex was already typing it when Jeff interrupted.

“It's a ballad, isn't it?” to which Harry simply nodded in response. “Doesn't that seem abrupt? I'm not convinced by the name; it could be something softer”

“Do you think From the Dining Table is better?” replied Harry. It wouldn't change much either, the title wasn't mentioned at all in the lyrics. It simply represented the place where he had had millions of discussions with Louis.

“Perfect. Ready when you are” And so they spent the whole morning and afternoon recording. It wasn't very difficult; it was quite fast in fact. Harry knew exactly how he wanted the song to sound and Mitch managed to get his ideas right.

It was 11pm when they finished recording. Alex wanted to add an orchestral background, but that would be taken care of when they returned to London, so their work there was done. They decided to prepare a pasta for dinner, with cream sauce and shrimps, and took the dishes to the living room to watch as usual a romantic comedy. By the time they finished it was already 2am and Harry went to his room. He took his mobile phone and before giving himself time to repent, he opened that contact he had never had the audacity to eliminate and wrote:

_I think I miss you._


	2. Part II

**Doncaster, England. January 2017**

_I think I miss you_

Louis stood by and watched that message for what seemed like hours. He didn't know how to react. The person he gave his heart to and then shattered it missed him. Well, he thought he missed him. And as masochistic as it sounds, Louis thought he missed him too. He got out of bed at his stepfather's house and went down to the kitchen where he found his family preparing lunch. He took his mobile phone to check the time. 13:00. Having received that message as soon as he woke up, he did not pay attention to the time he had got up.

“Good evening” his sister Lottie greeted him as he took some dishes off the shelf to put on the table.

“Let me help you” replied Louis, taking the plates and carrying them himself while his sister looked for the glasses.

Lunch went by quietly. His stepfather and sisters were arguing about school for the younger girls, but Louis could not hear a word. His head was completely elsewhere. The message he read that day as soon as he got up took him completely by surprise. It wasn't because he hadn't been thinking about Harry these last few days, but because he simply wasn't expecting it.

The last few months had been difficult if not impossible for Louis. In November his mother, who had been fighting cancer for almost a year, had been readmitted. From the beginning, Louis was sure that this was not like the other times she had been taken to the hospital, the symptoms were getting worse. But as slow as it was, as much as a year has passed since the diagnosis, nothing, absolutely nothing can prepare you for the loss of a loved one. Louis felt as the world stopped spinning, as everything around him began to move in slow motion when the doctor approached him and his sisters to inform them that his mother had passed away. But the world kept turning, everything kept happening at the same speed as always. Only 3 days after the news, Louis was due to give his first live performance as a solo artist at The X Factor, without giving him time to think, without giving him time to process everything that was happening. After that, Louis decided to take a break, get away from the public eye for a while to be with his family in Doncaster.

Once everyone had finished eating lunch, he helped with the dished with the twins and then went out into the garden. He sat down on one of the benches at the back and took out the pack of cigarettes in his pocket to put one between his lips.

“Shit” he cursed as the wind blew out the flame of his lighter as he couldn't light the cigarette. Once he managed to light it, he looked up to see Lottie approaching him to sit by his side.

“Well, now that we're alone, what's wrong with you?” asked his sister as she gently tapped him with her elbow.

“What makes you think something is wrong?”

“Louis, I know you too well, you were quiet all lunch, you know you can talk to me” Louis let out a little laugh. Because it was true, whenever something was wrong he could fool everyone, except his sister Lottie. The relationship they had was too close, which allowed them to understand each other without the need for words; it was like a sixth sense, instinctive.

“Guess what" he answered, staring at her as he raised his eyebrows, "it's nothing new.”

“Did you argue with Mark again?”

“No” he quickly denied “I wouldn't be here if I did. Come on, it's not that difficult.” he added, looking at the floor.

“It's not Harry, is it?”

“Every time I think I can forget him, he appears again” and with that Louis extended his mobile phone to Lottie so she could see the message he sent her while he took a last puff on the cigarette in his other hand.

“Did you reply to him?”

“No, you have the chat open in front of you, don't you see?”

“It's all right, don't worry” Lottie answered, moving away from her brother while he rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands. “And what do you intend to answer him, if I may? Or is he also in front of me and I don't see him?”

Louis rolled his eyes.

“I don't know” for a second they were both silent looking at the message, until Louis added “I think we owe each other a talk, the last time we met neither of us had much time to talk”

“It was on The X Factor, wasn't it?” Louis only nodded. That had been the most difficult presentation he had ever given. Neither in his first audition, nor in his first performance with One Direction, nor before giving a show in a packed stadium had he felt like that. It had been only 3 days since his mother had passed away and he needed all the support he could get. That's why he asked his former band mates if they could accompany him and be with him behind the scenes. Even though Zayn ended up not going, the four of them replied to the second one, giving their condolences and assuring him that they would be present. Harry was no exception. It did not matter how much they fought, how hard they argued, in the difficult moments Harry was always by his side. And so he had been for the last few months, as soon as he heard that Jay had been admitted again he went to visit her every other day at the hospital without exception, giving his sisters, him and Dan a break. Louis had told him several times that it wasn't necessary, but Harry clearly refused. Jay had been a very important person to Harry and Louis understood that, so there was never any impediment to visiting her and giving them space to have a few last moments together. And he was there, too, at his performance at The X Factor, along with Niall and Liam, because again, Harry was always there. After the show, Louis went to a bar accompanied by all his friends who were there, except Harry, who preferred to go home so that Louis could have fun without feeling uncomfortable. That was the last time he had seen him. No arguments, no talking, just being with him at that difficult moment.

Lottie's arm on his shoulder distracted him from his thoughts. His sister hugged him and put her head on his shoulder.

“Think hard about what you want from him before you answer" she added, then getting up and going back to the house. Louis watched his sister walk away and took a new cigarette to his lips. He didn't usually smoke several in a row, but he had to think, analyze. He wasn't ready to go back into the madness that was his home.

Louis had behaved badly, and he knew it the moment it happened. It's not as if he had planned to have a child with Brianna, but it had been completely his decision to sleep with her in the first place. It had come as a surprise to everyone, Louis was not a vengeful person and much less a spiteful one, but he was heartbroken and didn't know how to handle himself.

  
Harry broke up with him in 2015, just before the break before the European tour started and Louis had no better idea than to take his bags and go to Los Angeles for a week of alcohol, drugs and excess. There he met Brianna. She was definitely attractive, but what he liked most about her was how he felt in her company. For the first time in a long time he didn't have to think about every move he made. If he wanted to leave a bar with her and the paparazzi bombarded him with pictures, he could, if he wanted to hold her hand as they walked to the taxi, he could, if he wanted to enter the front door of her flat where anyone could photograph them, he could. That's what led him to sleep with her once, twice and three times. There were no more than three, as much as Louis was fascinated by the freedom, he had he was not looking for anything serious. As much as he had been repressing his feelings the last few weeks, his heart was still broken and he needed time to heal.

It was the end of May when he had seen Harry again. He looked hurt, but they had had time to think and to maintain a professional relationship. They had already agreed on a hiatus with the band, which was to begin at the end of that year, so they were to meet for just a few more months until they could each go their own way. And everything seemed to be going well, until Louis received a call from Brianna.

“But how could you be sure that it was mine?”

“Louis, I wasn't with anyone else for months. I’m not making it up.”

Louis was going to be a father and he had to talk to Harry before he found out through other means. But how do you tell the love of your life something like that? How do you explain to him that not a month had passed since they had break up and you had already gotten into someone else's bed? He thought about it and thought about it, until one day he woke up with 8 missed calls from his mother, 5 from his manager, 2 from his friend Stan, 34 new messages and Niall and Liam at his door knocking non-stop. Brianna had leaked the information and all the media was talking about how the oldest in One Direction would be the first to become a father.

He had never seen Harry like that day. His eyes were completely empty, with no trace of life. He spoke only when necessary and avoided Louis whenever he could. And so, it went on for another week. Until one day after one of his last shows in the United States, Louis took Harry's arm as he walked to his room.

“Sorry,” he said, not looking him in the eye. He was staring at the floor. Harry stared at him without saying a word and after a minute, he took him by the hand and led him to his room. Louis was only more confused when he slammed the door and rushed to his lips. He kissed him desperately as he slowly took off his clothes. They had sex, but it was not like any other time; it was something completely carnal, there was not a drop of feeling in any of their movements.  
As soon as they finished Harry opened the door, letting Louis know that he was no longer welcome and it was time to leave.  
No more words were spoken. And so, their relationship continued for the next few months. During the day they remained completely professional, interacting only when they had to, in interviews and concerts, nothing more. Then, in the evenings, one always ended up in the other's room. But they did not talk, they never discussed what had happened or what this meant for the two of them, and Louis' heart gradually broke. The guilt ate him up and knowing that Harry was only using him, that he was not willing to talk or forgive him, hurt him more than anything else. However, having at least a part of Harry was better than nothing.  
When One Direction began their indefinite hiatus, they simply broke up and never spoke again. Well, never again until the news that Jay had fallen ill reached Harry. They really owed each other a talk; they couldn't let a relationship that lasted almost 4 years die that way.

_Where are you?_

It didn't take Louis more than 10 minutes to make the decision. If Harry was in London, he could take a few days and go talk to him. From the beginning, Louis knew that Harry needed time, time to process what had happened, time to forgive. So if he had sent him that message it was because he was ready to discuss the things that had happened between the two of them.

Not one minute had passed before Louis' mobile phone vibrated in his hand, announcing a new message.

_In Jamaica._

Louis threw his cigarette butt to the ground in the garden “couldn't he have been closer?” he mumbled. However, he went to the British Airways website on his mobile phone and bought the first ticket he found. He leaving the next night. He got up and went into the house to pack his suitcase.

…

“Louis, wait!” said Fizzy when his brother already had one hand on the car door that would take him to the airport. “Here, put this on” he added, as she handed him a cap.

“Thank you” Louis took it and looked at his sister and then gave her another hug, even though they had already said goodbye. Fizzy struggled a little trying to get loose, but then she gave up and gave him a hug. Louis kissed her on the forehead and then let go and got into the car. He had a long drive to Heathrow. He was nervous. Not only because he was going to see Harry, but because he had to travel without being seen, no one could know where he was going. He had explained to him that he had been in Jamaica since December without anyone knowing and that he wanted to remain anonymous, so Louis had to keep a low profile.  
He had a plan: he knew London’s airport like the palm of his hand, he knew exactly which way was the least travelled to the British Airways lounge. The biggest challenge was going to be the stopover he had in Dallas. The airport was huge and had more than 3 hours between flights. He could only pray that he would not get lost and manage to pass through undetected by both the press and the fans.

Once he arrived at the airport, he put on the cap his sister had given him along with some dark glasses and went to check in. Everything seemed to be going smoothly, nobody recognised him in the queue before the security check or at passport control. Everything was going according to plan until two steps away from the VIP lounge he felt his back being touched.

“Hi, sorry, um, Louis, can I ask you for a photo?” a girl of no more than 8 years old asked him as he looked around nervously. Louis couldn't say no to her. He owed everything to his fans, he had never in his life denied a photo and this was not going to be the first time.

“Of course, no problem” he replied as he bent down to pose with her. The mother smiled at him as she took out her mobile phone to take the picture.

“Thank you very much and sorry for the inconvenience” said the mother noting the discomfort in Louis, and then took her daughter's hand and left. The blue-eyed man felt his breath getting heavier and quickly went to the airport's toilet, locking the door behind him. He rested his hands on either side of the sink as he looked down and took a deep breath. Then he washed his face and looked at himself in the mirror. How had Harry managed to travel without being recognised? Luckily, he was still in London and no one knew his destination. He opened the bathroom door and then headed as quickly as possible to the VIP lounge with his head down. It was an hour and a half before his flight was due to leave and he was not going to move from there.

…

In the end, there were no more problems in the rest of the trip. Once he settled into his first-class seat, he looked around to find only businessmen, definitely not the kind of people who listen to One Direction and might recognize him.

He landed in Dallas at about 5am, so the arrival area was not so crowded. While waiting to board his new flight to Kingston, he took his mobile phone to meet a message from Harry.

_I almost forgot to warn you. They will be waiting for you at the door of the plane when you arrive. They’ll drive you to the house. See you soon._

“So efficient” said Louis to himself as he put his mobile phone back in his pocket. He closed his eyes, crossed his arms and rested his head on the back of the armchair where he was. In a few hours he would see Harry. He had to prepare himself mentally.


	3. Part III

**Near Kingston, Jamaica January 2017**

“Harry, where am I supposed to go? There's no hotel nearby” Jeff said waving his hands in the air as he left his room in pursuit of Harry, who simply gave him a statement and headed for the kitchen.

“I'm not going to let Louis go to a hotel, so I need one of you to go and leave a room free. There is a B&B fifteen minutes away, it doesn't change anything that you spend the day here and then go sleep somewhere else!” Harry replied, raising his voice a little. He was nervous. Very nervous. When he sent the message to Louis he did not expect that reply. His intentions were simply to tell him that he had been thinking about him and maybe talk a little on the phone. He never imagined that he was going to take the first flight to Jamaica to see him.

“Besides, why should I leave when we all know he's going to end up sleeping in your room?”

“I don't know Jeff! That's the problem” he answered, nervously. And he genuinely didn't know. Things seemed to have ended well between them, but that didn't mean that as soon as he arrived in Jamaica they could resume their relationship as if nothing had happened.

“What is going on here?” asked Alex as he came out of his room, alerted by the screams coming from the kitchen.

“Harry is throwing me out of the house”

“I'm not throwing you out! I'm just saying that Louis is coming, and I need a free room for him” he was interrupted by Harry as he ran his hands over his face. He was already frustrated; he didn't know what to do. He leaned against one of the walls and let himself fall to the floor, without taking his hands off his face.  
He was throwing a tantrum, he was well aware of that. He was making a completely rash decision. Perhaps it hadn't crossed Louis' mind to stay in Harry's rented house, perhaps he had already booked a room in a hotel as far away as possible and was only planning to spend some time with him.

“There's an extra bed in my room, Jeff, you can stay with me” Alex explained. Harry could feel his eyes on him, looking at him in wonder. He didn't expect anyone to understand his reaction, Harry was always very reserved about his previous years, he always kept it that way. He wanted a team that knew him as Harry Styles, not Harry from One Direction, and that meant not many conversations about his time in the band and about Louis. Alex and Jeff left him alone in the kitchen while they went to set up his things.

“What happened?” Mitch's voice came from the hallway.

“I'm not sure, Harry's not well, he almost threw us all out of the house” Alex explained to him with a sarcastic laugh, probably thinking he wouldn't hear it.

Harry stared at the floor as he heard Mitch's footsteps coming into the kitchen.

“I'm afraid, I don't know how Louis will react or how things will be between us” he said without looking up from the tiles on the floor.

“I understand and it's not an easy time” Mitch was a man of few words, but one thing Harry always admired about him was his ability to listen and accompany. “I'm going to make myself coffee, do you want one?”

“Tea is fine” and with that Harry got up and took two cups off the shelf.

…

Harry was on the terrace reading his novel when he heard the engine of a car arriving at the entrance of the house. The time had come. He felt a chill run down his back and his hands became wet. He closed the book and went to the front door. Once the door was open, he saw a familiar figure get out of the car and go to the boot to get a small suitcase. He shook the driver's hand and then went to where Harry was waiting for him.

Louis was wearing a black jean combined with a white shirt. In his hand he was carrying a rather heavy coat that Harry assumed he had needed when he left London. He was also wearing dark aviator sunglasses, so it was a little difficult for him to read his facial expression.

“Hi" said Louis as he walked up the steps to the entrance of the house. Harry had one hand on the back of his neck and the other in the front pocket of his trousers as he waited for the first one to come closer.

“Hello" added Harry as he took a step to cut the distance between Louis and himself and opened his arms. A murmur of surprise came from Louis’ lips as he realized his intentions. Harry couldn't believe that the situation could get any more uncomfortable, he wanted to be swallowed up by the earth.  
He was always a very affectionate person, but it is clear that Louis did not expect him to embrace him. Nevertheless, he reciprocated and even gave him a little cuddle on his back. It was Louis, however distant his embraces were, they were always going to be comforting.

“How was the trip?” Harry asked once they were separated.

“Honestly? A nightmare” Louis let out a little laugh “I couldn't sleep much on the plane and had a four-hour layover in Dallas” he added as he rubbed his eye.

“Well, come on, I'll show you to your room so you can get some rest” and with that Harry took Louis' suitcase and went into the house.

The rest of the team was in the living room and everyone stop talking as they passed, eyes glued to both of them.

“Um, hi I'm Louis” he said as he shook hands with each of them as they introduced themselves.

“It's a pleasure to meet you all" Louis replied cordially as he continued on his way after Harry. Once in the room Harry put his suitcase down and looked at Louis.

“This is all, all the rooms are en-suite so you have your own bathroom, there are shampoo and towels. Anything else you need you can tell me”

“Perfect, thank you”

“No need to” Harry looked down at the same time as Louis. After that neither added anything and they definitely couldn't stand the silence with their eyes fixed on the other. After a few seconds he added “Well, I'll leave you to rest a bit”

Louis nodded and Harry left the room, closing the door behind him. The situation could have been much worse, couldn't it? It really hadn't been the ideal reunion, but one can't expect a party from an ex. Harry laughed at the thought and went to the terrace where his book had been left.

…

“Erm, Lou, dinner is ready” he heard from outside his room as he finished dressing. After a short nap he decided to take a shower to cool off a bit. Besides, he felt pretty dirty from the trip.

“I'm coming!” he answered and then grabbed the towel and ran it through his hair. He took his mobile phone and went to the kitchen to help Harry take the food to the dining room. Dinner went smoothly, everyone was discussing what plans they had for the next few days, what songs were missing, and they even started discussing a possible tour. Louis listened to every word carefully but did not lose sight of Harry, who was sitting in front of him. He looked excited.  
Louis knew that he had a lot of talent and that anything Harry wrote would sound incredible. He was also very intrigued to hear what he had composed these days.

“What about you, Louis?” Jeff's voice took him out of his thoughts. “The song you did with Steve Aoki was incredible”

“Yes, it was a very good experience. For now, I don't have many plans. A dream of mine was always to be a mentor, maybe I'll be a judge in The X Factor this year or next”

“That's good, and you've been writing something? You know if you need to use the studio to record a demo you can”

“Thanks, I've been a little distracted the last few months, so I don't have much anyway”

“Oh, how come?” Louis saw how Harry suddenly turned around and coughed for Jeff's attention. When he got it, he opened his eyes like a plate and turned his head from side to side. Harry wanted to avoid bringing up the subject of his mother's death and Louis couldn't be more grateful. Everyone around him understood that the subject had to be changed.

Alex simply said, “What film are we going to see today?”

“Every night after dinner we end the day and watch a romantic comedy together" Harry explained to Louis.

“I like the idea”

And with that everyone went into the living room. Mitch took control of the television and put on "How to Lose a Man in 10 Days". Louis waited for everyone to settle in and then sat down and clearly the only place left was next to Harry.

The film began and everyone had their attention fixed on the screen. At one point, Harry moved a bit and brushed Louis' arm with his own. He felt as if the place where he touched him for a second was on fire, as if thousands of watts of energy had passed through it. He moved his arm a little, looking for contact again. He felt like a teenager again, as if all eyes were on them. Louis felt like those moments in interviews and concerts, where he needed a minimum of attention from his boyfriend and he secretly hid his arm to steal a caress from him, to have a minimum of touching, skin to skin, which both knew meant much more.

Without taking his eyes off the film, he saw a smile on Harry's face as he settled down so that his arms were in contact. Louis turned to admire him for a few seconds. Not much had changed since he had last seen him, he was just a little more tanned. But since he had cut his hair, he had a different look, more serious, more mature perhaps. He wasn't sure if he preferred long hair or that way, but what he was sure of was that no matter how Harry's hair looked, he would always find him attractive.  
Suddenly he felt those green eyes leave the screen and set on him. Louis quickly looked back at the film, afraid that he would be caught admiring Harry. But he had noticed and drowned out a little laughter. Louis didn't know where to go, he didn't know what to do, he had already crossed the line when he put his arm close to Harry’s, and now he was caught looking at him. Luckily, he calmed down when Harry simply settled again, this time a little closer to Louis.

…

It had been four days since Louis' arrival and Harry was in the studio recording a new track. The routine was the same: they’d got up, had breakfast, went down to the basement and continued their work. The only difference was that Louis was around, sometimes with the team in the studio, other times going to the beach to enjoy the day and sometimes taking the keyboard they had and playing, composing, writing. There weren't many moments when Harry could be alone with him and what they’d talked about was quite insignificant. They talked about how their families were doing, about various friends they had in common. One day they were both on the beach, relaxing on their day off when Louis asked, “Have you spoken to Niall or Liam during this time?”

“Not really” explained Harry as he took off the sunglasses he had to see Louis more clearly. That was a subject that made Harry a little uncomfortable. He was perhaps, embarrassed? He was never one to talk much by text, he always preferred to talk to his friends on the phone or get together whenever he could. And when One Direction split up, he was the first to sign with a new label, which meant he had very little free time. It wasn't on purpose that he stopped talking to Niall and Liam, he still had a lot of appreciation for them both, but he simply had new priorities, new people that he met to start his career, new friendships. “I really liked seeing them on The X Factor, I hadn't heard from them for a while”

“Did Niall tell you about the album he's working on? He's very excited about it”

“No” Harry confessed and then looked down at the sand between his toes. Had lack of time been the only reason he had distanced himself from them? No, there was something else, which Harry was not sure he would be able to explain. “It's a bit difficult for me to talk to them”

“Harry, they are the same Liam and Niall we know, there is no reason why our relationship with each other should be any different” replied Louis as he turned around in his lounge chair to look at the curly one.

Harry took a moment before answering, he was struggling to find the right words and in fact hadn't thought much about it until he was reunited with his band mates last December. He had this feeling inside, every time he spoke to one of them, as if he were taking several steps backwards. As if all the effort he had made to get away from the image he had to fulfill when he was in One Direction had been for nothing and he was once again the old Harry.

“I know, I know, it's not that any of them have changed, it's because maybe the one who changed was me?” He really didn't know how to express himself.

“In what way?” Clearly, he wasn't going to let the subject go. Harry didn't mind either, Louis had this ability to understand perfectly to what extent he was forcing him to talk, he knew exactly when he needed to vent, he needed to explain what was going on inside. And this was one of them.

“I'm afraid of going back to who I was before, Lou. You know better than anyone how much I hated the character that management imposed on me. Talking to them reminds me a lot of that, it's like, um...”

“Like… not moving forward, remaining the same as you were when we were in the band” Harry couldn't have described it better. “But you have to understand that we're all going through the same thing. We all suffered in our own way over the years at One Direction. They may never understand what we went through, but Liam was also given the image of being the band's father and was not allowed to make any mistakes. Niall wasn't allowed to exploit fully his potential and had to hide his talent for a long time because management didn't think it was enough. Not to mention Zayn”

Harry noticed Louis' voice breaking a bit when he mentioned him. Now he really felt embarrassed. He definitely hadn't been the only one who had had a bad time, he hadn't been the only one who had suffered. And it wasn't just him and Louis either. Shit, Liam even suffered from alcoholism because of One Direction. Maybe he didn't get to the point of having to go to rehab, but more than anything else in recent times he couldn't get through an interview, a concert, without having a few drinks on him. And yet they kept in touch, none of them disappeared, no one let the hiatus affect them, they continued to talk and maintain the relationship they had before. And it's not that they haven't outgrown the band, Niall was finishing his first album, Louis already had a single and for sure Liam was also working on new music.

“I’m sorry” those were the only words that managed to escape his mouth. Louis turned to see him and let out a chuckle.

“You don't have to apologise to me. Everyone deals with it as they can. Maybe your way of rediscovering yourself was to get away from others and that's fine”

“I understand, but there are many things that remained unfinished, I shouldn't have left without looking back” Were they still talking about Niall and Liam?

“There's time for everything, maybe there wasn't a moment until now, maybe you needed time to think. And maybe we all did” No, they definitely weren't talking about them.  
And that's when Harry clicked, he wasn't just running away from “Harry of One Direction”. There was something else, it wasn't just his public life, it was his private life. It was in those years in the band that he had fallen in love, he had found the one he thought would be the love of his life and he was definitely running away from Louis as well. And he was very grateful that he came. They owed each other a long talk, a talk that they didn't have back in 2015, that they didn't have last December and to keep putting things off wasn't going to do them any good. But they were definitely not going to discuss the past at that point, Harry needed a few more days. He needed to understand how he felt about Louis at that time. And after a silence that seemed like hours, the eldest seemed to have read his mind and got up.

“I'm going to see if Jeff will finally dare to face me at ping pong" said Louis without inviting Harry. Just as he understood when to press him to talk more, he understood perfectly when Harry's gaze was lost, when he needed to let it go and pick it up again at another time.

Louis walked away and Harry did not take his eyes off him as he returned to the house. Yes, he was moving his hips as he walked away. And yes, Harry knew perfectly well that Louis was aware of the effect that had on him.

Harry bit his lower lip and shook his head slightly. No matter how many years went by, he was always going to be attracted to Louis. And how could he not, especially when he knew what it felt like to have him.

…

Louis woke up and took his mobile phone off the nightstand to check the time. 10:27. It was earlier than usual. As soon as he arrived, he realised that everyone was working early, so he took it as an incentive to get up at a more reasonable time. He would never be like Harry, who is already up and about at 7 in the morning, he was never a morning person. But at least he wanted to make the most of the days, especially considering that at that time of year at about 6 p.m. the sun was already setting.

He rubbed his face with his hands and got up quickly before falling asleep again. Oops, maybe too fast. He sat down again for a second to let the dizziness pass and went to the kitchen to make himself some tea. There was no one there or in the dining room anymore, surely they were all down in the study. As he waited for the water to boil, he thought about the conversation he had had the day before with Harry. He was actually quite surprised, it was understandable that he didn't talk to him as he used to, but he thought he would have maintained the relationship he had with Niall, in particular. They were very close when they were in the band and he never imagined that they would have drifted apart like that.

Once he had finished making his tea, he picked up his cup and walked down the stairs to the studio. When he was halfway through, he heard Harry's voice singing a new song.

_Meet me in the hallway_

_I just left your bedroom_

_Give me some morphine_

_Is there any more to do?_

No, he definitely did not know that song. He kept going down the last steps while listening to the lyrics.

_Just let me know I'll be at the door, at the door_

_Hoping you'll come around_

_Just let me know I'll be on the floor, on the floor_

_Maybe we'll work it out_

The image that he found once inside the studio left him completely frozen.

_I gotta get better, gotta get better_

_I gotta get better, gotta get better_

Harry continued singing in front of the microphone with one hand on the headphones and the other resting on the table in front of him while his voice gradually broke. And it didn't take much effort to notice that tears were streaming down his cheeks.

It had been a long time since he had seen that image of Harry, without filters, completely pure. There was no smile hiding anything, he was completely devoted, you could feel the pain in every word he uttered. And Louis just stood there looking at him, admiring him. Suddenly he stopped singing and looked up to first see Alex in front of his computer and then looked straight at him.  
And that's when Louis left the trance he was in to realize that everyone in the studio was staring at him.

  
We'll continue later if you like Harry” Jeff said, waving to Alex to pause the song and stop recording.

“Louis, I didn't expect you to come down so early" explained Harry, as he wiped tears from his eyes and took off his headphones.

“Sorry, um, I'm going to go for a walk, see you later” Louis had realised that it was not his place to be there, that it was a time when he was no longer welcome. He quickly turned around and walked up the stairs to return to his room without looking back for a second.

Once in his room, he changed as quickly as he could, took the cigarettes and lighter that had not yet left his suitcase and went out.  
There weren't many places he could go, so he chose to go for a walk on one of the paths that led out of the back door of the house. He didn't know where he was going and could get lost very easily, but that was his least concern at the time.  
Seeing him like that brought back many memories for Harry. He was never this vulnerable in front of anyone, no matter what was going on inside him, in front of the world he always had a smile on his face and was always in a good mood. And it had been very difficult for Louis to discover his weaknesses. It had been very difficult for him to open up and understand that he could show himself as he was in front of him, that he did not have to pretend anything.

What could be going through Harry's head to show himself in that way in front of his whole team? What was this pain so great that he could not hide it? Louis stopped abruptly and remembered the lyrics of the song that remained completely engraved in his mind. No, he couldn't be referring to their relationship, no. After the break up, Harry had been completely indifferent, nothing seemed to affect him. Louis even felt used by him. No, Harry was fine, Harry was not hurt, no. But what pain did he need morphine for? What was he expecting him to do? How many things had gone unsaid?

Louis felt his mobile phone vibrating in his pocket and when he pulled it out he saw a message from Harry.

_Lou, where are you?_


End file.
